I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
