You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize