I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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