Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
