Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
operation harelip BJ is a go
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
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