I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize