you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
