we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
