Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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