I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
