My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Randomize
