Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
