Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
