Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I supernannyed him into submission
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
