Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
