somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
