so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
