I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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