let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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