i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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