She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
