i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
