I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
