I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
