so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
