Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
