so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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