The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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