Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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