franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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