Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
