Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
