I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
