and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
