I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
