I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
where are you?
Hypothermia
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
