I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
