Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
