If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize