The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
