On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
