I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
