I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
