I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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