nut hugger
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
the condom got lost in my hair
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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