my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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