its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
