ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
