I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
