I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
