can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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