in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
