I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
