How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I would fuck him just for his dog
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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