Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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