eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
