The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
